Cold open / Jim's Introduction
| Open on Muppet Central. Leon is introducing the show, catching Gonzo's attention. | |
| Leon | Hello, and welcome to The Jim Henson Hour. We'll start out tonight with the car chase of the week, followed by the very small swimsuit show, guaranteed to win friends. |
| Kermit | (Enters) Uh, Leon! Who put you in charge here? |
| Leon | Oh, sorry cuz. Just filling in till you got here. |
| Gonzo | How small? |
| Kermit & Leon | What? |
| Gonzo | Leon's swimsuit show, I'm just wondering how small they were gonna be. |
| Leon | Ix-nay, ix-nay-- not in front of the og-fray. |
| Kermit | Uh Digit! Standby to roll the opening! |
| Digit | Oh, standing by. |
| Kermit | Okay, roll the opening! |
| Digit | Rolling the opening. (Repeats the phrase 4x until Leon pushes him.) Thank you. |
| Kermit | Are, are you okay? |
| Digit | Oh yes, it was just a scratch. (Presses button) |
| The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base. | |
| Jim | Good evening, and welcome to our show. And that goes for you too. How are you tonight? (Pets the Lion) Later in the hour, we'll be seeing "Miss Piggy's Hollywood" with Dudley Moore, Justine Bateman, George Wendt, and Bob Hope. It's an inside look at tinsel town shown to us by the lady herself. |
| A clip is shown as a teaser. | |
| Jim | But before that, we go to Muppet Central. Now that's the giant television control room run by Kermit the Frog. Kermit has just about every satellite feed on earth available to him. And he plans to pick and choose the best. For instance, I know that Bobby McFerrin is the guest star. Kermit, what else is happening? |
| Kermit | Oh, well I'm glad you asked. Let me show you some highlights. |
| He tries to type but the computer short-circuits causing him to yelp. | |
| Kermit | Oh, my goodness! We've got to get this fixed. |
| Blackout. |
MuppeTelevision Act 1
Opening number
| Digit | Kermit? |
| Kermit | Yeah? |
| Digit | The tapes are cued up, the satellite links are open... |
| Kermit | I'm over here. |
| Digit | Oh. And the computer is on line. |
| Kermit | Oh good. Then I can get started, right? |
| Digit | No! |
| Kermit | No? What's wrong? |
| Digit | Oh, that was a mistake. I meant "No" it just came out "Yes." |
| Kermit | Actually, it came out "No." |
| Digit | Well, I'm experiencing a small, short circuit in my own personal electronics, Kermit. You see, it's a minor glitch in my voice relater... and when I say "No," I mean "Yes" and vice versa. |
| Kermit | That's terrible. |
| Digit | No. |
| Kermit | Is it permanent? |
| Digit | Yes. |
| Kermit | Well that's good. Hey, is Bobby Mcferrin's opening number cued up on monitor 12? |
| Digit | No. |
| Kermit | Terrific. Cue Bobby McFerrin. |
| Digit presses button cuing up opening number. Bobby McFerrin is walking along scatting, when he comes across a building with graffiti on the wall. As the number goes on, one-by-one, Graffiti Muppets jump off the wall and perform with him. Soon, McFerrin has them repeat after him and they all do a scat number. From above, Statler and Waldorf watch. Soon the Graffiti characters exit, leaving McFerrin alone. Once he notices, he jumps on the wall and turns into graffiti. | |
| Waldorf | You know what they call a number like that? "Off the wall!" (He and Statler laugh) |
| Back at the studio, Kermit reviews the previous number as Vicki watches. | |
| Kermit | Okay, and Bobby Mcferrin sang. And that was real nice. And, uh... Vicki, what are you doing? |
| Vicki | Oh, I just love watching creative people work. |
| Kermit | Oh. |
| Vicki | What is it you do exactly? |
| Kermit | Uh, well you see, there are tv signals from all over the universe here, and I have to decide which ones to put on the show. |
| Vicki | Oh. And not just any old show. I mean, as a child, I used to watch The Muppet Show all the time. |
| Kermit | Well, we don't need to go into that. |
| Vicki | Of course, I don't remember much, I was so young. |
| Kermit | Vicki, please. |
| Vicki | But my day care center just loved the bear who told the jokes. |
| Kermit | Vicky, work, now! |
| Vicki | Yes sir, going, right! (Exits) |
| Kermit | Uh, Digit! |
| Digit | Yes! |
| Kermit | Digit, are you ready to cue the nature documentary? |
| Digit | Yes. |
| Kermit | But that's terrible. |
| Digit | (Enters while bumping into the monitor) Why? |
| Kermit | Because, when you say "Yes," you mean "No." |
| Digit | No, no, no, I fixed my voice relay. |
| Kermit | And now your motor reflexes are shorting out? |
| Digit | You know me too well. |
| Kermit | Well, can you just cue the documentary? |
| Digit | I can if I can find the button. Oh, I know. |
| Runs into the button, cueing up the next sketch. |
Nature Documentary
| In a forest, a documentarian narrates the actions. | |
| Documentarian | Here in the forest glade, different species coexist in a delicate web of interdependence. Yes, the subtle balance of the woodland scene is a vivid example of a society living in harmony with itself. |
| Machine guns fire from butterflies. One shoots another out of the sky and into a pond. One a battleground caterpillars speak gibberish as they go into war. As sirens blare, they set up the machine gun. | |
| Caterpillar (DG) | Fire! |
| They fire away at the butterfly. Then they cheer. | |
| Documentarian | Yes, in nature's university, we gain a new reverence for life. |
| Cheering fades away for he accidently steps on the caterpillars. | |
| Documentarian | Sorry. |
| Back at the studio, Kermit reacts negatively to the documentary. | |
| Kermit | Ooh, that was brutal and destructive and... |
| Vicki | And the ratings were fantastic. |
| Kermit | What ratings? |
| Vicki | As soon as things got really violent, the whole world was watching our show. |
| Kermit | That's good. That's bad! Or it's too bad that it was good? Isn't there anything anybody likes watching other than violence? |
| Leon | Yes, there is one other thing that people go for in a really big way --Heh-heh-heh-- girls strutting! Ho! |
| Gonzo | Actually, Kermit, it was my idea. |
| Kermit | (Yells) Will you get out of here! Get out! Out, out! everybody! I'm going to get to the bottom of this rating business. Vicki! |
| Vicki | Yes, sir. |
| Kermit | Vicki would you explain this system here? |
| Vicki | Oh, certainly. Well, you see, figures from all over the world pour into Muppet Central. Now these charts indicate which people are watching according to groups. |
| Kermit | Uh-huh. |
| Vicki | Men, women, youths, retirees, black, brown, yellow, green... |
| Kermit | Thank you. |
| Vicki | You're welcome. College graduates, blue-collar workers, and a Mr. Harry Stapleton. |
| Kermit | Oh yeah. Hi there. These charts are fascinating, but uh, why are they all falling? |
| Vicki | Oh. Well, viewers hate watching people talk about charts. |
| Kermit | (Yelps) Digit, what have we got that we could to cut to?! |
| Digit | It's a yuppie drama about a young married couple. |
| Kermit | What's it called? |
| Digit | "Hurting Something." |
| Kermit | Worth a shot. |
| Digit presses button cueing up next sketch. |
Hurting Something
| The sketch begins a bedroom that seems normal. But the couple are actually weird monsters. | |
| Fern | I mean I don't see why I can't be a competent successful executive and still be a woman. Ah, that's better. And underneath your polished corporate exterior, I know there's a frightened little boy just dying to get out. Anthony? |
| Anthony | Hmm? |
| Fern | (Sighs) Never mind. I'm gonna take a bath. |
| Anthony | Okay, honey. |
| Fern | (Screams) |
| Anthony | Sure thing, honey. |
| Fern is gasping in the bathroom when Anthony enters. | |
| Anthony | Fern? Fern, what's going on? |
| Fern | There's one of those things in the tub! |
| Anthony | Oh, it's a nasty one. |
| Fern | It is, isn't it? |
| Anthony | Yeah, it looks like one of those big-city brokers. |
| Fern | Ugh, it's disgusting. Quick, wash it down the drain. |
| Anthony | Now, Fern, you know it's bad luck to kill one. I'll just uh, oh, catch it in this, and put then it outside. Come here, little fellow...Got you! |
| Fern | Can I look yet? |
| Anthony | Actually, on second thought, I think it's only a common lawyer. |
| Lawyer | I'll litigate! |
| Fern | Ugh, look at its legs. How do you suppose it got in here? |
| Anthony | Oh, probably through a loophole. Oh, that tickles. |
| Fern | Yuck! How can you stand to touch it? |
| Anthony | Oh, don't be such a little girl. Look, here, it won't hurt you. |
| Fern | Stop it! |
| Anthony | Wait a minute. Where did it go? Looks like he got away. Aaaah! There he is! |
| Fern | Anthony, please just take it away! |
| Anthony | Oh, okay. I'll just put you outside where you belong. There you go. You'll be safe in the bushes. No, Bruno, leave him alone! Stay! Good boy. |
| Scene transitions to them in bed. | |
| Fern | Well, it wasn't funny. |
| Anthony | I was only teasing. |
| Fern | Teasing? Teasing is just a way of trivializing my fears at a time in my life when I am trying to work through them. |
| Anthony | I was being insensitive. |
| They hear scraping at door. | |
| Fern | There's Bruno. He wants to come in. |
| Anthony | What do you say? Just this once? |
| Fern | Oh, yes. |
| They open door letting their giant pet spider, Bruno in. | |
| Anthony | Oh, there's Bruno. |
| Fern | Hello, Bruno! |
| Anthony | Come on up. Come on up. |
| Fern | Oh, what a good boy! Oh, that's a good boy! |
| Back at the studio, where Kermit and Vicki watch. | |
| Kermit | How are the ratings on that, Vicki? |
| Vicki | Well, sir, we had the whole west coast and Mr. Harry Stapleton. |
| Kermit | All These demographics are really tough. I don't know what to put on. |
| Bean Bunny | Hi, Kermit, I'm here. |
| Kermit | Oh, hi, Bean. |
| Bean Bunny | I brought a balloon with me. Say hello to Mr. Balloon. |
| Kermit | You see, we hired bean to be cute, so the rest of us don't have to bother. |
| Bean Bunny | Aw, you didn't say hello to him. Now you hurt his feelings. |
| Kermit | Uh, Bean, balloons do not have feelings, so just go. Shoo, shoo, shoo. |
| Bean Bunny | Bye-bye! (Exits) |
| Kermit | That's the last thing I need. You know this rating is really kinda... |
| Vicki | Wow, look at those ratings! Those are the best we've ever had! |
| Kermit | Uh, Bean! Bean! Come back, bean! |
| But only the balloon came sputtering back. | |
| Vicki | Hmm. Oh, time for a commercial, Mr. Kermit. |
| Kermit | Oh, well, well, fine. Uh, listen, after these messages, we'll be back with a lot of great funny sketches, and some neat songs, and maybe some sex. |
| Vicki | What? |
| Kermit | Well, just a little sex. But all of it starring Bean Bunny! |
| Vicki | Oh, brother. |
| The ratings rise again. Blackout. |
MuppeTelevision Act 2
Talk with Miss Piggy
| Open on Gonzo watching the high ratings. | |
| Gonzo | Whoa, look at those ratings! Fantastic! I guess you people really love commercials. Oh, hi, Kermit. Any luck? |
| Kermit | No, I couldn't find Bean Bunny anywhere. |
| The ratings drop as Vicki brings in the ringing telephone. | |
| Vicki | Telephone. |
| Gonzo | I'll get it. Hello, Muppet Central, The Great Gonzo speaking. Hi, Miss Piggy. |
| Kermit | (Notices the ratings rise again) Good grief! Look what just happened to the ratings. |
| Gonzo | (On the phone) Just a minute. (To Kermit) I seen it happen when I said Miss Piggy. |
| Kermit | Boy, we could use her right now. |
| Gonzo | Well why don't we? |
| Kermit | Well you see, Piggy gave up television to pursue her career as a famous Hollywood film star. |
| Gonzo | I know that. (On the phone) Well, no messages for you, and nobody wants to talk to you Miss Piggy. |
| Kermit | Wait a second, I do. Let me have the phone there. Hello, Piggy, this is Kermit...the Frog. |
| The scenes alternates from Kermit in the studio to Piggy at a phone booth, a man is waiting impatiently. | |
| Miss Piggy | Oh Kermie, darling, how is the show doing dear? |
| Kermit | Uh, well actually, at the moment, not terrific. Uh we could use a little boost in the rating. Would you like to be on the show? |
| Miss Piggy | Kermie, I am working on a documentary, but it's not quite ready yet. |
| Kermit | Oh, oh, rats. |
| Miss Piggy | It's all about my Hollywood. As a matter of fact, right now, I'm taking a meeting at the hotel pool. We're putting together tres exciting cinema project. |
| Impatient Man | Look, pig, you gonna be all day? I've got to phone my old lady. |
| Kermit | Uh, who was that, Piggy? |
| Miss Piggy | That was uh, Sylvester Stallone. You know how impatient he can be. Just a minute, sly. |
| Kermit | Piggy, can't we run your Hollywood show now? |
| Impatient Man | Look, pig, if my old lady don't hear from me regular... |
| Miss Piggy | Kermie, Clint and Dustin just arrived, so I have to run. Call me and we'll do lunch. Love you, kissy kissy, ciao. (To man) Are you hoping to have children someday? |
Gorilla Television
| In the studio, Kermit hangs up. | |
| Vicki | Wow, I don't believe it! Miss Piggy, I just heard. The star of the old Muppet Show on this phone! Wow! Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. She dumped you, didn't she? |
| Kermit | She did not dump me. We didn't have the kind of relationship to... |
| As Kermit talks the transmission starts getting interrupted by Gorilla Television. | |
| Digit | Kermit! Somebody's jamming our signal. |
| Kermit | Well, can you stop it? |
| Digit | Yes and no. |
| The scenes changes to Gorilla Television. Zondra, Ubu, and Chip run the show. | |
| Chip | Oh, I get it. Now we're on. |
| Ubu | Ah. Okay, this is Gorilla Television. And we're transmitting to you from a top-secret location. |
| Zondra | Unlike the commercial mush you've been watching, we bring you stuff the networks were afraid to put on the air. Chip, pan over. |
| Chip | Okay. Is that wide enough? |
| Zondra | This is Marc Weiner. |
| Marc | Hi. |
| Rocko | And I'm Rocko. |
| Marc | And this is Rocko. |
| Rocko | Shut up, Weiner. |
| Ubu | This guy knows what it's like to be on the streets with nowhere to go. |
| Zondra | A man who decided to become an entertainer so that the little children could hear the political message he carries. |
| Marc | Right. |
| Zondra | And yet you resist the lure of commercial success... |
| Everyone spits except Marc. | |
| Marc | I'll pass. |
| Zondra | ...as represented by Jim Henson and his ilk. |
| Marc | Oh, hold on right there. You know, I think Jim Henson's great. |
| Rocko | What a wuss! |
| Ubu | Lighten up, Rocko. Why don't you just do your act? Ta da! |
| Marc | So, I can begin now? |
| Ubu | You keep out of this, Weiner |
| Marc | Sorry. |
| Rocko | Which camera? C'mon which cam? |
| Chip | This one here. |
| Rocko | All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I, The Great Rocko, will now transmit myself, via satellite, from the red box to the blue box and back again. This trick has only been done once, and the guy died... |
| Zondra & Ubu | Ooh. |
| Rocko | ...20 years later. I am now stepping into the red box. One, two, three, I am now in the blue box. |
| Ubu | Whoa! |
| Rocko | And one, two, three... I'm back. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thank you. |
| Zondra | That was really, like, East German. |
| Ubu | You don't see that on prime time. |
| Marc | Hey, wait a minute. That was terrible. |
| Rocko | Shut up, Weiner. |
| Marc | Listen to me, you little fool. I've had about enough of this, and you are going listen to me and do everything that I command you to. You hear me? And you will give me the respect that I deserve. |
| Zondra | Hey, let go of him, you fascist. |
| Rocko | Are you crazy? Don't you realize how very dangerous it is to wake up someone under hypnosis? I was levitating. I could have get killed. |
| Zondra | Look, squirt, I was trying to defend you. |
| Rocko | Squirt! Are you calling me a squirt? Let's see what kinda man you are, huh? |
| Ubu | Hey Weiner, can't you shut him up? |
| Rocko | Shut me up? |
| Zondra | Um, uh, this is Gorilla Television signing off. |
| Rocko | Trash the place! Get Weiner! |
| Among the chaos, the signal is cut, switching back to Muppet Central with Kermit and Digit. | |
| Digit | Thank goodness we're back. |
| Kermit | Yeah. But you know Digit, this monitor is still broken. Did you call maintenance? |
| Digit | No. |
| Kermit | Oh, I get it, you're saying "No" when you mean "Yes" again, yes? |
| Digit | No. |
| Lindbergh | Did you call for maintenance? |
| Digit | No. |
| Kermit | Yes. He meant "Yes." |
| Lindbergh | Oh, hey Kermit. The Muppets are in production today, huh? |
| Kermit | Well we're trying to be Lindbergh, but this monitor needs to be fixed. |
| Lindbergh | Oh yeah. The model 14s always do that. It just takes a tiny adjustment. |
| Kermit | Now wait a second. Digit, is that a good idea? |
| Digit | (Shaking his head no) Yes! |
| Lindbergh | Sure, this guy knows repair. |
| Kermit | No, you don't understand. He's got a malfunction. |
| Lindbergh | Oh, okay. We'll take care of him in a minute. Here goes. (Hits the monitor with a sledgehammer) |
| Kermit | I don't believe it. He fixed it. |
| Lindbergh | Now, Digit, you're next. |
| Kermit | No, no! |
| Digit | Yes, yes! Oh, please, yes! |
| Lindbergh | Do you believe these show people? |
| Kermit | Wait a second. |
| Digit | Yes, yes. Oh, yes! |
| Banging, smashing, and crashing is heard. | |
| Kermit | Digit, are you all right? |
| Digit | Yes, I'm... Kermit, I'm fixed. |
| Lindbergh | Next time you'll know how to do it yourself. |
| Kermit | (Notices the monitor) Oh, look, it's Bobby McFerrin. Cue Bobby. |
| Digit presses button cueing Bobby. |
Music News
| Bobby | Hi, I'm Bobby McFerrin and tonight I'll be reading the music news, aided by an interpreter for the totally unhip. (Scats) |
| Newsman | Seems like there was some kind of earthquake today... |
| Bobby | (Scat singing) ♪ Biji Wiji.♪ |
| Newsman | On the tropical island of... what was it? |
| Bobby | ♪ Biji Wiji. ♪ |
| Newsman | Biji Wiji. |
| Bobby | (Scat singing) |
| Newsman | The quaking and shaking lasted for only a few minutes. |
| Bobby | (Scat singing) |
| Newsman | Nobody was hurt. |
| Bobby | (Scat singing) |
| Newsman | But it took four days to clean up all the coconuts. |
| Coconuts fall on the Newsman as McFerrin laughs. | |
| Bobby | I'm Bobby McFerrin, and that's the, uh... (Coconuts fall on McFerrin) Wait a minute, what's going on here? |
Response O-Matic
| Back at the studio | |
| Kermit | Good old Bobby. I'll bet that'll make the rating charts go up. |
| Vicki | Forget the charts, Mr. Kermit. Waldo's got a great idea. |
| Kermit | Oh really? What is it, waldo? |
| Waldo | I've just invented something that will make that rating system... (Turns into an...) old hat. |
| Kermit | Waldo, must you do that? |
| Vicki | Well, he's a computer graphic but, he's very sensitive about it. |
| Waldo | I tell you, that rating system you've been using is a dinosaur. (Turns into a dinosaur and roars.) But welcome to "The Cutting Edge." (Turns into an electric saw) |
| Kermit | Ahh! Careful. |
| Vicki | Waldo. Come on, Waldo. No, oh! |
| Kermit | Waldo. Waldo, will you cut that out? |
| Waldo | Sorry. Nervous habit. Okay, I'm going into the computer. Vicki, you tell the frog here what it is we're doing. |
| Kermit | Uh, uh Vicki, tell the frog what it is we're doing. |
| Vicki | Okay, well come over here and I'll show you. We call it the response-omatic. |
| Kermit | Huh? |
| Vicki | You see, Waldo is fixing the computer so that it will instantly adapt our programming to what the viewers want. |
| Kermit | Wait a second, picking out programs is "my" job. |
| Vicki | Oh, so that's what you do. Anyway, the response-omatic will do all that using up-to-the-second ratings. Now you see, it starts in the soap opera mode. |
| The scene switches to a soap opera with Link Hogthrob and a woman. | |
| Woman (FB) | Don't worry, darling. As soon as your sister realizes that you weren't the one who sabotaged the brakes on your mother's wheelchair. I'm sure she'll return. |
| Link | Oh, if only I hadn't left her on top of that hill. |
| Suddenly an alarm sounds as it cuts back to the studio. | |
| Kermit | What was that? |
| Vicki | Well sir, that was a ratings alarm. The data indicate that viewers are not keen on soap operas and are more interested in game shows. |
| Kermit | So, what happens? |
| Vicki | Watch. |
| Cuts back to the show. | |
| Link | That was mom all over. |
| Man (SW) | We just heard from your sister. She's in Sydney. |
| Link | Sydney? But that's in Australia. |
| Soap opera changes into game show with a host named Bob. | |
| Bob | That's right. Sydney is located in Australia. Now, for 20 points, what request did Oliver North make of President Reagan? |
| Link | Pardon me? |
| Bob | Exactly right! You're our new champion. Let's meet our next challenger. He's Red Dorfman from Oak Bark, Michigan. Red, tell us about yourself. |
| Gonzo | Well, Bob, I'm... (Alarm sounds again, changing from game show to crime scene) ... In pursuit of a 10-14: Northbound on Elm. My partner is returning fire. |
| Link | I am? |
| Gonzo | The gun. Pick up the gun. |
| Link | What do I need a gun for? |
| Gunshots | |
| Gonzo | That's why. Cover me. |
| Link | Cover you? With what? (Gunshots continue) I don't understand. |
| (Alarm sounds again, with the crime scene change to spaceship.) | |
| Captain (KC) | You mean you don't understand why you have violated federation territory? |
| First Mate (RM) | Captain, the saturnian ship has just armed its ray guns. |
| Captain (KC) | So it's battle you want. |
| Link | Well, yes... I mean... |
| Kermit | (From the studio) Hold it! Wait! Stop! Cut! |
| They look at the screen as the scene freezes. |
Closing number
| Back at the studio. | |
| Vicki | But, but Mr. Kermit, it was going so well. |
| Kermit | Vicki, we can't have a machine decide what's going to be on our show. |
| Mr. Harry Stapleton | (Taps the screen) Listen to the frog. He's right. |
| Kermit | Well, thank you. I mean like right now at the end of the show, what we need a nice, happy... |
| Mr. Harry Stapleton | Rousing. |
| Kermit | Rousing... |
| Mr. Harry Stapleton | Warm. |
| Kermit | ...Warm musical number with the whole Muppet family. |
| Vicki | But we don't have anything prepared. |
| Bean Bunny | (Enters in Spanish outfit) I thought it might come to this. There's a little something I've worked out. |
| Kermit | Well, what's that, Bean? |
| Bean Bunny | La Bamba! |
| Kermit | La Bamba? Why not? |
| Bean Bunny and the cast perform "La Bamba." Other sketches perform the tune as well, ending up in a Mexican style restaurant where everyone dances. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. Kermit watches the whole thing from the studio. | |
| Kermit | Yeah, something like that could work. |
| The song continues until blackout. |
Miss Piggy's Hollywood Intro
| Open on Jim with the lion. The lion is wearing shades | |
| Jim | So here we are, ready for the second half of our show. You look very cool in those. I'm sure nobody's going to recognize you. Took me a long time to get him to wear them. But it only seems right because we're going to Hollywood. After all, it's always best to do what the natives do. (Puts on shades) So now that we're ready, let's take a look at Miss Piggy's Hollywood. |
Miss Piggy's Hollywood
Act One
| Drumroll. The opening theme of the special plays with a montage of Miss Piggy in various Hollywood sites. An instrumental version of "Hooray for Hollywood" plays in the background. | |
| Announcer (JN) | Miss Piggy presents, a Miss Piggy production, from a Miss Piggy concept, Miss Piggy's Hollywood! Starring Miss Piggy! With a special report from Fozzie Bear! And the Great Gonzo! |
| Gonzo | Ha! |
| Miss Piggy | Gonzo, this is the opening to my show. |
| Gonzo | Yes, and it's going very well, don't you think? |
| Cuts to the front of the Hollywood sign. | |
| Miss Piggy | Good evening, dear fans. And welcome to Moi's Hollywood. Won't vous hop on board this tres lovely automobile with my chauffeur and bodyguard and personal trainer, Lars? Is he not cute? Join us now as we visit such exciting Hollywood sights as the La Brea Tar Pits, Mann's Chinese Laundry, The Hollywood Ear Wax Museum... excuse me. (Clears throat) Gonzo, let me see those cards. What is this? |
| Gonzo | Important Hollywood sights. You're lucky to have an associate producer such refined taste. |
| Miss Piggy | Of course, the only reason Gonzo is working on Moi's show, is that he was willing to fly to L.A. as baggage. |
| Gonzo | Actually, I prefer to fly as baggage. (Laughs) |
| Miss Piggy | Uh, yeah, right. Uh, now, let us take a driving tour of the stars' hometown, Hollywood. Step on it, cuddles. |
| Lars starts driving. Miss Piggy falls off screaming. | |
| Gonzo | Wow, what a great opening! |
| Miss Piggy giggles breathily as the scene transitions to the roads of Hollywood. | |
| Miss Piggy | Ah, yes, this is Hollywood where the dreams you dare to dream really do come true. Here we stars live as one big happy, fabulous family. In our town it is very common for a member of the family of stars such as Moi self, to drop in on another star to chat or perhaps to borrow a cup of sugar. |
| Cuts to the front of a house. | |
| Miss Piggy | Here we are at a typical fabulous mansion of a typically fabulous superstar. I shall ring the bell and give you a chance to watch two superstars as we chit-chat. (Rings bell) |
| Gonzo | Isn't this cool? This is so cool! |
| Miss Piggy | Get out, get out, get out, get out! |
| Gonzo | Oh, sorry. (Exits) |
| Miss Piggy laughs lightly and clears throat, nobody answers. She rings bell again, but the person still doesn't answer so she looks inside. | |
| Gonzo | Can you see anybody? |
| Miss Piggy | Gonzo, I thought you were going to call ahead. |
| Gonzo | I was, but you said we could just drop in. You know "the family of the stars" thing. |
| Miss Piggy | Um, it seems we have a slight technical problem. Come along, Gonzo. Who lives here, anyway? |
| Gonzo | I don't know. |
| After Piggy and Gonzo left, Bob Hope answers the door. | |
| Bob | I came all this way for nothing. Kind of reminds me of the Oscars. |
| Scene changes to Piggy at the Chinese Theater. | |
| Miss Piggy | Another place to find members of the Hollywood family, of course, when they are not at home, is here in front of the famous Chinese Theater. Here on Hollywood's walk of fame, we stars enjoy visiting this charming little acknowledgement of our famousness. Hmm, here is Carole Lombard, and uh Bill Cosby, the dear Bette Midler. And here, of course is Moi. |
| Gonzo | Whoa, this is great, Miss Piggy. Your star is portable. I bet none of the other stars are portable. Oh, I guess Bette Midler must be really jealous, huh? |
| Miss Piggy | Uh, next we have... |
| Gonzo | Old Bette's got to truck all the way down here to see hers, but you can take yours anywhere. |
| Miss Piggy | Uh, uh, next on "Miss Piggy's Hollywood", we have a special report from our correspondent Fozzie Bear, standing by at Hollywood's famous nightclub, The Comedy Store. Will you put that down?! |
| Cuts to Fozzie Bear at one of L.A.'s coasts. | |
| Fozzie | Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not at The Comedy Store yet. As you can see, I've just arrived on the coast. Boy, am I hungry! I think I'll have some of the sandwiches here. Get it? The "Sand which is" right here...ahhh! Back to the pig. |
| Cuts to Miss Piggy in the automobile on the way to Rodeo Drive. | |
| Miss Piggy | What shall we do while we wait for that report? Well, the perfect thing to do anytime is shop. And the perfect place to shop is Rodeo Drive. This will do, hugbunny. (Screams and falls in) |
| Inside Rodeo Drive. | |
| Miss Piggy | Just find a parking meter with some time on it already. Thank you. Oh, yes, every time is like the first time. Oooh! Oh, oh, I love it! Oh, miss, miss, yo, yo, miss. |
| Salesperson (KW) | May I help you? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I wish to purchase this dress. How much is it? |
| Salesperson (KW) | $23,000, madam. |
| Miss Piggy | Twenty-thr... Ahh. Um, oh gosh, and I wanted it in blue too. |
| Salesperson (KW) | We have blue, if you just step over... |
| Miss Piggy | Actually, you know, I was looking for a more of a petite size. |
| Salesperson (KW) | We have all sizes, madam. |
| Miss Piggy | Actually, you know, do you have it in polyester? |
| Salesperson (KW) | No, madam, I'm so sorry. |
| Miss Piggy | Darn. Aaaah! Gonzo, hurry! Gonzo, a celebrity! |
| Gonzo | Oh, cool! (Laughing) |
| George Wendt is with a tailor when Piggy enters screaming. | |
| Tailor (DD) | Madam, please. |
| Miss Piggy | George, what a pleasure to see you again. |
| George | Miss Piggy. |
| Tailor (DD) | Madam, this is the gentlemen's dressing area. |
| Miss Piggy | Hey, you mind, we're doing television here. (Clears throat) My first guest this evening is the charming Mr. George Wendt. Now, tell our viewers, Georgie, what it's like being a famous Hollywood star. |
| George | I hardly think myself as a star... |
| Miss Piggy | Why don't you tell us about the lavish Hollywood parties that you and I hobnobbed at? |
| George | Gee, I'm not much of a hobnobber Miss Piggy. |
| Miss Piggy | You must remember the party at Steven's. |
| George | Steven's? |
| Miss Piggy | Spielberg. |
| George | I wish. |
| Miss Piggy | Where we ran into Liz. |
| George | Liz? |
| Miss Piggy | Taylor, she was talking to uh, Jack. |
| George | Lemmon? |
| Miss Piggy | Nicholson. He introduced us to Liza. |
| George | Minelli. |
| Miss Piggy | Of course. |
| George | All right. |
| Miss Piggy | Liza was with Sly. |
| George | Stallone. |
| Miss Piggy | And Richard. |
| George | Widmark. Pryor? Nixon? Help me out, Miss Piggy. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, George, you are such a kidder. Now just one more question. |
| George | Please, if you don't mind, this tailor's a very busy man. |
| Miss Piggy | Isn't he wonderful? George! George? |
| George | Look, Miss Piggy, I really don't...Whoa! What are you doing in here? |
| Gonzo | Oh, sorry. Wow, cool shorts. |
| Miss Piggy | Wa-ha-ha. George, just a few more questions please? |
| George | I'm changing. Do you mind? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, not at all. Go right ahead. Tell us, how much money do you make? Tell us about your co-stars. Have those backstage feuds really died down? How about, how about Ted Danson? What is he really like? Is he single? Do you have his number? Waa! (Gets knocked over by the door as Wendt flees) George, how about that lunch?! |
| George | I'm very busy! |
| Miss Piggy | Next week? |
| George | Always! |
| Miss Piggy | Thank you, George for taking those few minutes out to chat with us!! |
| Gonzo | Wow, great interview. |
| Miss Piggy | Um... Uh... now a special report from Fozzie Bear at The Comedy Store nightclub. Oh! (Facepalms) |
| Gonzo | (Pats her on the back) Nice. |
| Cuts to Fozzie at the Tail o' the Pup hot dog stand. | |
| Fozzie | Uh, well, actually, Piggy, I'm not quite at the Comedy Store. But I am uh, "Doggedly" determined to get there. Ahhh! Oh, I really "Relish" these jokes. Mmmm! (Eats a hot dog) |
| Cuts back to Piggy in the automobile. | |
| Miss Piggy | Well, while we are waiting for that report, Moi has arranged a rare, exclusive behind-the-scenes glimpse of Hollywood backlots and studios. |
| Gonzo | Here are some tickets. |
| Miss Piggy | We don't need tickets. (Light giggle) |
| Gonzo | Oh, that's right, we had our hands stamped. |
| Miss Piggy | Um, welcome to Universal Studios. |
| Miss Piggy performs a variation "That's Entertainment" as she and Gonzo explore the behind-the-scenes stunts and actions at Universal Studios. King-Kong (voice of Jerry Nelson) provides a line. | |
| Gonzo | Wow, aren't special effects cool? |
| Miss Piggy | Um, all these technical things. I just need background for a star. |
| Gonzo | But Piggy, I'm telling you this is really spectacular. Look at this stuff crashing down! It's fantastic, stupendous, unbelievable! |
| Miss Piggy | You are missing the point. |
| Gonzo | I am? |
| Miss Piggy | You know, Gonzo, effects are nothing without the star. |
| Gonzo | Oh, that is wonderful, Piggy! |
| Miss Piggy | Thank you. |
| Miss Piggy finishes the song and ends up getting hit by an explosion causing her to faint. | |
| Gonzo | Wow, what a great effect! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Piggy? |
| Blackout |
Act Two
| Open on Miss Piggy and Gonzo with a map in front of a gate. | |
| Miss Piggy | Once again, it's time to just drop in on another of my famous Hollywood friends. Here we are at the fabulous Hollywood home of... |
| Gonzo | Danny DeVito. |
| Miss Piggy | Yes...of Danny DeVito, wonderful actor, comedian... |
| Gonzo | No, no, no-- it's Cher. Sorry. |
| Miss Piggy | ...Whose career as a singer has blossomed into an Oscar-winning performance... |
| Gonzo | You know, it could be Lassie. |
| Miss Piggy | ...And whose lovable canine antics have delighted millions. Let us see if he, she, or it is home, shall we? (Presses buzzer) |
| Man (JN) | Hello? Who is this? |
| Miss Piggy | It is Miss Piggy. Can you open the gate, please? |
| Man (JN) | Do you have security clearance? |
| Miss Piggy | Some stars are very timid off the screen. We will conduct the interview from here. Tell us, dear, what is your next film? |
| Man (JN) | Will you please leave? We have guard dogs all around the building. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, an action film. Thank you for taking the time to chat with us. And now, Fozzie Bear at The Comedy Store. Let's go, Gonzo. |
| Dogs start barking as they leave. | |
| Gonzo | Boy. Real nice person. Very down to earth, don't you think? |
| Cuts to Fozzie Bear at Sunset Strip Cleaners. | |
| Fozzie | Um, I'm, I'm not at the comedy store just yet. But I am on Sunset Strip. Well actually, I'm at the Sunset Strip Cleaners. As long as I'm here, maybe I'd better clean up my act. Ahhh! (Laughs) |
| Back to the automobile arriving at The Beverly Hills. | |
| Miss Piggy | Yes, well, while we wait for that report, let us visit that quaint little inn, The Beverly Hills Hotel, where the posh and powerful pause to be painted and pampered. Why don't you go and wax the car or something, honeybuns? I shall be at the pool. Oh, what a lovely sight! Stars just toning their tans. Look, ooh! It's Justine Bateman. (Aproaches Justine Bateman) Oh, Justine, dear! Oh, how are you? Kissy, kissy. |
| Justine | Um Miss Piggy? How are you? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, Justine. What a pleasure it is to have this chance to chat with you. |
| Justine | Oh, I would love to chat with you Miss Piggy, but I'm waiting to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. |
| Miss Piggy | You're waiting for Barbara who? |
| Gonzo | Psst, psst. |
| Miss Piggy | Uh, excusez-moi. What? |
| Gonzo | That's us. |
| Miss Piggy | What's us? |
| Gonzo | Well, when I gave your name, her agent wouldn't come to the phone. I improvised the Barbara Walters stuff. It's a bit clever huh? |
| Miss Piggy | (Sighs of dismay) Well, Justine, there seems to have been one of those eensy-teensy Hollywood mix-ups. |
| Justine | What do you mean? What happened to Barbara Walters? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, lovely woman, isn't she? And if she were here, I'm certain she'd want to begin by asking you... |
| Justine | You mean Barbara Walters isn't coming? |
| Miss Piggy | No... but I'm certain that she along with all of our viewers who are watching right now, Justine... yes, I'm sure they would all like to know more about you. Now tell us, what is your greatest challenge as a star? |
| Justine | Challenge? |
| Miss Piggy | Yes. You know, hair care, paparazzi, getting the right dressing room. |
| Justine | Well actually, I think my greatest challenge is a difficult acting task. |
| Miss Piggy | Say what? |
| Justine | Acting. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, yeah, right, acting. |
| Justine | For instance, if I played someone who had been betrayed... |
| Miss Piggy | Oh yes, how would you do that? |
| Justine | Well, I would try to understand what goes on in the character's mind. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh yes, show me how, show me. |
| Justine | Well, what has this character gone through? I mean, has she been misled? |
| Miss Piggy | Misled, yes. |
| Justine | Was she drawn somewhere thinking that she was going to be with a particular person only to find there's another person there instead? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh. |
| Justine | Perhaps she had personal engagements which she put aside only to find she was victim of a cruel hoax. And perhaps promises were broken. And perhaps she's been pushed too far! |
| Miss Piggy gets pushed into the pool and ends up gurgling. | |
| Gonzo | Wow, great stunt, Miss Piggy! |
| Justine | I guess the interview's over, huh? |
| Gonzo | Yeah. Coming up next on "Miss Piggy's Hollywood", the fabulously funny Fozzie Bear, reporting live from The Comedy Store nightclub. |
| Miss Piggy | Barbara Walters, huh? HI-YAH! |
| Piggy karate chops Gonzo into the pool. Cuts to Fozzie finally at The Comedy Store. | |
| Fozzie | Hiya, this is Fozzie Bear for "Miss Piggy's Hollywood" and finally-- aha! I am here at the world-famous Comedy Store. Where dozens of famous comedians have gotten their starts. Comedians like Robin Williams and David Letterman and now...Fozzie Bear. That's right. It is audition day at The Comedy Store. |
| Inside the Comedy Store, a comedian (Dave Goelz), auditions with a joke. | |
| Comedian | Okay, so the duck says, "If I had a match, I'd have offered you a light." |
| Stage Manager (CD) | Next. |
| Comedian | Thank you. |
| Stage Manager (CD) | Number 23: Bear, Fozzie. Let's move it, please! |
| Fozzie | Th-that's me. (Sings his theme) Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Wocka-wocka. Here goes. Ha-ha-ha. Um, boy, it's great to be in Hollywood, but my hotel room is so small when I bring in my welcome mat, I have wall-to-wall carpeting. (Dead silence) Yeah, uh... boy, it's a rough town, too. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard and I saw two peanuts. One was "As-salted." You get... |
| Statler and Waldorf are in the club too. | |
| Statler | Oh, no, that comedian's a bear. |
| Waldorf | Worse than that, he's barely a comedian. (Both laugh) |
| Fozzie | Oh it's you guys again. Why do you always torment me? |
| Statler | We were about to ask you the same question. (He and Waldorf laugh) |
| Fozzie | Well, it won't work. I've got a new gimmick, and I'm gonna be hot as a pistol. |
| Waldorf | Hot as a pistol? Well, he does have the right to bear arms. (He and Statler laugh) |
| Statler | I'd say he has the right to bear legs, too! (Both laugh) |
| Fozzie | Aw come on you guys, just listen to my gimmick. Please? |
| Statler | A gimmick, what is it? |
| Fozzie | A laugh track, and here it is. (Cues the laugh track) Thank you. My hotel room is so small, I brought my welcome mat in
and now I've got wall-to-wall carpeting. (Laughter) Thank you, thank you. Hey, hey, hey. It's a rough town too you know. When I was walking down sunset boulevard, I saw two peanuts. One was "As-salted. (Laughter) Thank you. But tell me, why did the potato go to the riviera? Because he wanted to be a french fry. |
| As the laugh track continues, Statler and Waldorf wave surrender flags. | |
| Statler | We give up. |
| Waldorf | You're a hit. |
| Fozzie | Thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful machine. (Laughter) Thank you, now back to Miss Piggy. |
| Cuts to Miss Piggy outside a house. | |
| Miss Piggy | I can't do this. |
| Gonzo | No, it'll be all right. |
| Miss Piggy | No, it won't. |
| Gonzo | Give it a shot. We're rolling. Go on. |
| Miss Piggy | All right. (Laughs breathily) Um, yes, well, once again, here we are at the Hollywood home of another of Moi's dear, dear celebrity friends, Mr. Roger Moore. |
| Gonzo | That's Dudley Moore. |
| Miss Piggy | You sure it's not Barbara Walters? Let us knock, shall we? (Knocks) And dear, dear, sweet personal friend of mine, Roger Moore, will come right out here and talk to you, my audi... Stop, that's it! I've had it. I can't do it anymore. I'm an honest woman. I cannot lie to my public anymore. Look, um, I promised to show you my celebrity friends. And, and you've seen what's happened... it's a sham. It's not the show I envisioned. I tried so hard to give you what you wanted. It's hard being a pig in Hollywood. You know, I did my best. (Sniffles as Dudley Moore sees her) |
| Dudley | Miss Piggy? |
| Miss Piggy | What? |
| Dudley | Miss Piggy, it is you! |
| Miss Piggy | (Gasps) Dudley? Dudley Moore! Oh, what a delight to see you! |
| Dudley | Miss Piggy at my house! I... where are my manners? Please come in. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, thank vous. Oooh! |
| Gonzo | Wow, don't you guys think this is so cool? |
| Door closes on him, bending his nose. Cuts to inside Dudley's house full of Miss Piggy stuff. | |
| Dudley | Miss Piggy, I can't believe you're here. This is like a dream come true. I mean, you don't know how often I've imagined, hoped you'd be in here with me. This is my home. Do you like it? |
| Miss Piggy | Well... Well, yes. It's very nice, it's very tasteful. |
| Dudley | Then you like the decor? |
| Miss Piggy | How long did it take you to collect these? |
| Dudley | Well, I, I picked some of them up in places and some of them I had commissioned. Of course, the "Mona piggy", and the phone, of course, and that wonderful shot of you with the braids, which is a special favorite of mine. |
| Miss Piggy | I-I-I don't know what to say. |
| Dudley | You don't have to say anything. It's enough just to look at you. |
| Miss Piggy | Look at me? I must look a fright. Dudley do excuse me, I want to freshen up. Ta! |
| Dudley | Oh... This isn't happening. This... this probably... no, this is the most exciting moment of my entire life. |
| Miss Piggy | Hope you I didn't kept you too long. |
| Dudley | Of course not. You look absolutely... |
| Miss Piggy | Ravishing? |
| Dudley | Yes. Miss Piggy, Piggy... Can I call you Piggy? |
| Miss Piggy | Of course. |
| Dudley | And you can call me, um... um... Dudley. |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, all right. |
| Dudley | Say it. |
| Miss Piggy | Say? Oh, uh, Dudley. |
| Dudley | Say it again. |
| Miss Piggy | Dudley. Dudley. Dudley, are you alright, is there anything I can do? |
| Dudley | Piggy, darling, I... darling, can I call you darling? |
| Miss Piggy | Sure. |
| Dudley | There is one thing. Something I've always wanted to share with you something that I think could be very, very beautiful for both of us. |
| Miss Piggy | Dudley, we're on television. |
| Dudley | Make it even better, don't you think? |
| Miss Piggy | Dudley, what do you have in... what do you have in mind? (Both pant) |
| Dudley | Sing with me. |
| Miss Piggy | Sing? Oh, I knew that. |
| Dudley and Miss Piggy start performing a duet of "Love is Here to Stay." | |
| Miss Piggy | I'd like to thank all of you for joining me tonight and I'd also like to thank all the wonderful people who have made this evening possible. |
| Gonzo | No problem, Piggy, anytime. |
| Dudley | Excuse me, do you mind? |
| Gonzo | Wow, I'm being kicked out by dudley moore! This is so cool! |
| Dudley and Miss Piggy finish their duet. Blackout. |
Closing
| Open on the lion in the room. Jim enters with the Dog Graffiti Muppet. | |
| Jim | Well, now that we're back from Hollywood... (puppeteering the dog) "And boy, are my feet tired!" Anyhow, remember these graffiti characters that came off the wall and danced with Bobby McFerrin? Well, lots of people wonder how we do things like this, and this is how. Of course, we were able to make the puppeteers invisible and you'll have to figure that one out for yourself. So, what do you think of it, lion? |
| The graffiti dog barks, and the lion responds with a roar, scaring the Muppet. | |
| Jim | (Puppeteering the dog) "He scared me right out of my feet!" I forgot cats never like dogs. That's all for tonight, we'll see you next time. |
| The credits roll |